Tomorrow Will be as Good as Today

BY LENNY HIRSCH

Northern Israel, July, 2003. Fighting prostate cancer has made me become aware of many aspects of life and of myself that I never was aware of before. During my seven-year battle I've chosen to focus on my newly found strengths and I've learned to accept that I have weaknesses.

Diagnosis with cancer felt to me like a kick in the stomach. Hearing the words "We have found cancer cells in your biopsy," was bad enough; even worse was learning about the possible side effects of the various treatments. The fear of dying from cancer coupled with the possibility of becoming impotent and /or incontinent for the rest of my life was devastating to me.

I soon heard that prostate cancer is in most cases slow growing and understood there was no need to instantly commit myself to any specific treatment. My desire to remain potent and continent led me to choose a rather controversial form of treatment known as Watchful Waiting.

I changed my eating habits. I became a vegetarian. As a person who was used to eating large quantities of red meat, dairy products and other "unhealthy" foods, this was a complete switch around. I started taking vitamins and food supplements. Within three months of starting this new way of life and losing weight, my PSA (prostate specific antigen, a blood marker of this cancer) dropped by thirty percent. I was elated by what I had done for myself. I continued this new way of life with my PSA not increasing. Then, after three and a half years the PSA started to climb.

My Marriage

My marriage at this stage was heading for the rocks and I was unemployed. My PSA doubled within a month, I knew that the time had come to take decisive action against the cancer. The prostate was too large to be operated on as it was, and I was told it had to be shrunk. Hormone injections would achieve this. These injections, however, affected my quality of life. I lost my libido, experienced mood swings and depression. For six months hot flushes denied me a full night's sleep. Another side effect was fatigue. By now I was active on the Internet, in several support and chat groups dealing with prostate cancer.

At the end of February 2001, I underwent surgery. The operation did not cause me any problems and was I told that it was successful. My main worry was, would I have control of my bladder after the catheter was removed and were the nerves controlling my ability to be potent saved? Within a few weeks I had control of my bladder and soon after there were indications that in time I would be potent.

Three months after surgery, I had a PSA test. The results were reasonable, but not wonderful. In the States the operation would have been classified as a failure and salvage treatment would have been recommended. My urologist assured me that "there was nothing to worry about." It was easier for me to go along with his option than follow my gut feeling and start salvage treatment.

Three months later my PSA had doubled and I knew that I was facing an aggressive cancer. At this stage my marriage was on the rocks and my wife (of 36 years) and I were making arrangements to separate.

I was racked with fears about my economic future and my chances of surviving the spreading cancer.

My main fears were: Would the treatment that I had chosen keep the cancer in check? Would I make out financially? How could I date women without any money and an erectile dysfunction?

I knew that one of the best options was to have radiation treatment. But the hospital where I would undergo this treatment did not have a good record in terms of quality of life. I ruled this option out as well more hormone injections. This left me with a relatively new treatment which involved the use of a milder form of hormone (Casodex). It was relatively unproven and not highly recommended to me, but I felt I had no other option and nothing to lose.

Meanwhile in my social world, things were going from bad to worse. After our separation all my long-standing friends cut me dead. My son distanced himself from me, perhaps due to the return of the cancer. My other two children lived overseas. I was alone. I sank into the quagmire of my fears and unhappiness. I decided to end my life. Then on opening my computer for the last time I found an email from my youngest daughter telling me how much she loved me and how important I was for her. I must have cried for hours. This was when I decided to live and make the most of every minute. I always knew that there was the option of seeing the empty half of the glass. I would concentrate on the full half. This was the most important decision I made for a long time.

I immersed myself in establishing a Prostate Cancer Support Group and manning a hot line for the Israeli Cancer Association. Speaking to newly diagnosed men and their wives gave them hope for the future -- and gave me a sense of doing something positive. I found that I was no longer criticizing people, I had begun to see beauty, which I had not seen previously. It was as if somebody had waved a magic wand.

A New Day

My PSA became undetectable. I made new friends. I was asked to give talks on prostate cancer. I met up with a woman that I had dated over 40 years ago and we took up a relationship where we had left off so long ago. My son reestablished contact with me. My relationship with my ex wife is good.

One year after taking the decision to live and make the most of every minute, I stopped all medication. I know that the cancer is still there, but I can control it. I relocated to the north and am experiencing one of the best periods of my life.

I have become a crusader for the power of positive thinking and living without tension. I have faced death a few times in the past, aside from the cancer, so why worry about it now? I survived not having any money and being completely alone without any support. On looking back, over the last seven years, at my war against cancer I can plot the times when this terrible enemy got the upper hand. This can be shown on the graph of my PSA tests. Each time I was under tension, my PSA rose. I know that when I am under tension or fear, my body becomes tense, I experience aches and pains all over. Forty two years ago I hurt my back parachuting and I suffered from pains from that until I changed my outlook on life.

To day I find that I not only think positive, but also act positive. I really believe that in all situations no matter how black they might seem, there is always a glimmer of light. Why not concentrate on that glimmer and ignore the darkness?

Another cause of tension is worrying about the past. You can learn from the past, but no matter how hard one tries, one cannot redo it. We can try and plan for the future, but how much control do we really have over what might be? A couple of years ago I could not imagine living without my wife, now I am. My youngest daughter's husband was run over by a drunk driver less then two months after their wedding and all their plans and dreams have been put on hold. One might ask: how can one live without thinking about tomorrow? I do think about tomorrow, but I don't make it a major factor of my day to day life.

My New World

I am in contact with hundreds if not thousands of people all over the world who have been affected by prostate cancer. One example is a man who lives in the Cape, South Africa. He was diagnosed in 1995. He made the decision to fight the cancer through a change of life style and eating habits involving vitamins and food supplements. His new life style includes yoga, meditation and exercise. He assisted in setting up support groups and runs an Internet site dealing with prostate cancer. Today he has no signs of the disease.

Another man I know of lives in England. Five years ago he was diagnosed with very advanced prostate cancer. The diagnosis was made shortly after his wife was found to have multiple sclerosis. He was told to get his affairs in order, as he did not have long to live. Four years later he ran the London Marathon! He told me, he lives for the here and now finding something good in every situation. He spends 20 minutes each day meditating and another 20 minutes visualizing the vitamins, medication and healthy food he takes attacking the cancer cells. Peter pointed out to me that we all have to die some today so why not make the most of every day? He intends to live for many years to come. I am sure he will.

Rather than call myself a cancer "victim," I prefer to use the term "Warrior." A warrior takes the fight to the enemy. He plans his moves to better his situation. He is always on the lookout for new weapons, but at the same time these must be realistic and suitable for him. He cannot afford to experiment with every new idea of warfare, he seeks methods that fulfill his needs. A warrior knows that he must conserve his energy and be positive about the outcome. I also believe a warrior knows how to go out and enjoy himself whenever possible.

I hope anyone reading who is as overwhelmed as I was will find some glimmer of light that can bring some fun into their lives and improve their quality of life. © Lenny Hirsch 2003

More from Lenny:
Me and My Catheter: Experience After Radical Prostatectomy

Making Out:
Sex after Radical Prostatectomy and Separation

Lenny's Cookbook: Simple, PCa-healthy Recipes

Afterword

Lenny Hirsch was diagnosed with prostate cancer at age 56, in 1996. His PSA, at around 14 and Gleason score (2+2=4) were taken to indicate a slow-growing, unaggressive cancer. Lenny pursued Watchful Waiting till August 2000, when his PSA had risen to 34. He started Zoladex and in February 2000, underwent RP. His PSA began measurable rise in 2001. Recently he started Casodex. Lenny posts his details at: the Australian-African board YANA, where he is a mentor: http://www.yananow.net/mentors2.htm#hirsch

Lenny wrote August 2003: "I've had my share of rough periods. Today I spend hours each day helping others to come to terms with PCa. As I said to a couple who came for advice last night, helping others and the reward that brings is the best medicine I get. There is so much available on the scientific and medical aspects of PCa, but so little attention and emphasis is placed on the greatest weapon we have, the human mind. I recently relocated to a moshav near Nahariya in Northern Israel, where I manage the outlet of a goat cheese factory belonging to one of my support group members. I live by myself, but do have a lovely relationship with a woman that I dated 42 years ago. My life is full, exciting and rewarding. Dare I say, this is the best period of my life?
© Lenny Hirsch 2003 All Rights reserved.

Israel has two support groups for prostate cancer so far,
one in Tel Aviv and the other, which Lenny organized, the Haifa support group:
You Are Not Alone (YANA).
Meetings 6 PM, last Thursday of every month, companions invited
Meetings in Hebrew and in English if required.
Israeli Cancer Association, Bldg. 5, Haifa
Contact: Lenny Hirsch

Phone: Tel Aviv: 0528300467
Haifa and the north 0544570595
[email protected]

For a list of support groups around the world check:

PSA Rising Support links

PSA Rising
prostate cancer activist news
http://www.psa-rising.com
PO Box 1114, IN 47933, USA
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